“Playing to win or not to lose” is an interesting proposition, isn’t it? Have you ever thought about this? Working with thousands of women over that last 27 years, I have found that many are playing not to lose.
Not playing to win makes you invisible.
Playing not to lose, keeps you in scarcity. It keeps you from really going all out, doing your best, taking risks, and making things happen. It tends to place you right in the middle of mediocrity, which can be appealing. It’s easy to hide out in mediocrity. You don’t stand out, you’re doing well enough, but you are not playing all out. Accomplishing what deep down, you know you can.
I understand this. I have done this myself. Doing just well enough not to stand out too much. When I was young, I was sporting an Afro with big teeth, big ears, and skinny legs and arms that were just long enough to look completely awkward. To say it took me a while to grow into myself, is an understatement.
This awesome look, set me up to stand out and be bullied. I was a prime target. I quickly learned that if I did too well in school, everything got worse. Any recognition from a teacher, was turned into agonizing ammunition. So, I quickly learned to do just enough. To do well, but not too well. I mastered the art of invisibility.
Invisibility served me well until I had to be seen to be successful. I soon realized that this pattern of just doing enough was not going to cut it. I was playing not to lose. I was doing just enough not to lose my title, my house, my car, etc. Playing this game is a dangerous game. You have enough to get by, but you are always barely scraping by. There isn’t any extra surplus nor abundance. You are always on the edge of losing everything.
Which makes sense, because that’s where your focus is. This a mindset that can destroy your dreams, lead to regret, and cost you greatly.
Playing to win sometimes means you lose.
When you are playing to win, sometimes you lose, which results in just the information you needed to knock it out of the park. To accomplish more then you ever thought possible.
Some of the most successful people in the world will tell you they have failed many more times then they won. But, when you win, you win big!
Here’s what I know. If you are playing not to lose, there is a quiet small voice inside that is saying, “there is something so much bigger for you”, “you are capable of so much more”, “you were meant to do more than this” but then the other voice says a little louder, “who are you to think you can do that?” The little louder voice is always the lie. Why would you not be the most amazing, powerful person you could be?
Don’t sell yourself short.
If this sounds at all familiar to you, then here are a couple tips that took me from playing to not lose to playing to win!
- Pay attention to what comes out of your mouth. I tell me children often don’t let something come out of your mouth that you don’t want to create.
- “I Am” are two of the most powerful words in the English language. Be very careful what you put behind those two words. I hear a lot “I am scared” or “I am not good at this” etc. The “I Am” registers, as this is who you are. This is not who you are, this is how you are feeling. There is a big difference. Anything following “I AM” should be a powerful positive statement that affirms who you are. This is a message I got loud and clear several years ago sitting quietly on Canon Beach in Oregon watching the waves come in and out. There’s nothing wrong with you. You just need to upgrade some thoughts, habits, and skills.
“You can only be the perfection from which you come”
- Be inspired every morning. This is powerful. We all spend time in the bathroom every morning getting ready. Plug in some inspiration while you are getting ready. I’ve done this for the last 27 years. I used to keep a tape recording in my bathroom. Now you just need a phone and an Internet connection. Listen to something every morning that inspires you and sets the tone for your day. Give it a try; you won’t believe what a big impact just this one thing will have.
- Create supportive environments around you. Create a space you work in, that you can’t wait to get in there and work. Pay attention to the people you spend the most time with. Are they supportive, encouraging, and positive? We become like the people we hang around most. Pay attention to the types of things your reading, watching, and listening to. Do they support who you are becoming and what you want to accomplish?
- Be willing to fail. If you are going to play to win, you are going to fail. We all fail. It’s usually when we learn the most. I was listening to an interview with Jay Z. He was asked what he had learned from all of his success. He paused for a moment and then said, “I don’t think I learned anything from my success. I learned everything from my failures”. When I heard that, I thought yep that’s right. Failing isn’t a bad thing, it’s just a thing we learn from.
- Get a mentor, coach or an accountability buddy. It is so important to have someone to run with, bounce ideas off of, and is totally in your corner. Someone who is lovingly willing to call you on your stuff. Someone who can take a stand for you and all you are capable of! I know for sure I wouldn’t be where I am today without the coaches and mentors that I have had in my life. Success does not happen alone!
Play big, play to win, and step into the amazing, powerful, productive, and impactful person I know you can be! Burn the bridge behind you, and go for it!